Yesterday was a bad day. My brain was fatigued, my body was fatigued, my stomach hurt, and I had no appetite.
This is nothing new to me. I have good days and bad days, and I’ve come to take each in stride. Neither is going to last, so I try not to get too invested in how I feel on any particular day.
I used to get very excited about a good day, thinking I was turning a corner, only to be crushed when the next bad day came along. Inversely, I used to wake up on a bad day thinking I would never again have a good one.
Vicious cycle.
Through meditation I’ve come to understand that everything is always changing. As such, I try to be present with whatever is happening now. Whether it’s a good or bad day, it’s the day I’m having and has no bearing on tomorrow. I am not clairvoyant so I will have to deal with tomorrow when it comes. And not a minute before.
This is much easer said than done, particularly when you’ve been trying to stay level headed about good and bad days for over 5 years. Some days, it’s very difficult to remain level headed, and yesterday was one of them. My bad day was overwhelming. It broke me in a way.
On these occasions I am usually able to find a way to see light, even if it’s just a speck. But yesterday it was only dark. I hung my head and asked God to show me some light. Please, any sign that something might change for me. I wasn’t asking to be cured, I was just looking for the tiniest reason for optimism. A thread.
Before I could even finish my prayer, the following notion shot right through me: “I am on the journey I am supposed to be on.” It brought me a comfort I can’t adequately explain. I had been holding my breath all day, and I was finally able to exhale.
It’s not my job to understand where this journey is going. Rather, it’s my job to stand in it one day at a time. To be mindful of what I’m supposed to learn, how I’m supposed to grow, and figure out how to use my experience to help others.
This is happening to me for a reason. The reasons reveal themselves to me in ways both big and small, but when I have dark days like yesterday I need to remind myself that God’s not done teaching me yet.
I am a willing student. I’m listening.
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