I Don’t Do This Often.

I am way too thin. I weigh less than my lean, healthy 15-year-old daughter. Never good.

I’ve tried everything to gain weight, but it’s not happening. I  have three things working against me:

1. I’m naturally lean. It was hard to gain weight even when I was healthy.
2. My shredded digestive tract isn’t properly breaking down and absorbing the food I eat.
3. My intestines move slowly (called a motility disorder), which means I cannot eat as much food as I’d like because I get unnaturally full from small volumes.

People have interesting reactions to a person trying to gain weight. Many see it as  “cry me a river problem”. I’ve had many people say it’s a problem they’d like to have, and numerous people have offered me their excess weight (which I’d gladly accept if there were a way).

I’m here to tell you trying to gain weight is every bit is difficult, frustrating and anxiety provoking as trying to lose it. 

For this reason, I don’t weigh myself often. Once or twice a month at most. I stopped weighing for a number of reasons. First, I realized it wasn’t helping anything. I do the best I can every single day, and either that will lead to weight gain or it won’t. 

Second, I realized weight is the wrong endgame. Health is the ultimate endgame. When I regain my health, I will regain the weight.

If I only focus on my weight I won’t feel like I’m making any progress. But when I take stock on how far I’ve come in terms of the variety and volume of foods I can digest, I can see I’m moving forward. 

There was a time when there were only 9 foods in all of the world I could easily digest. Last night I went out to dinner with my daughter and had the following:

• A house salad to start.
• An entree of salmon, carrots and zucchini. I ate the full restaurant sized portion.
• I finished the meal off with two home made cookies and a latte. 

I don’t weigh any more than I did when I could only eat 9 foods. But last night I ate a meal of normal variety in a normal portion. And I had a latte, which is significant. It literally took years to be able to tolerate coffee again. I only feel up to coffee once or twice a month, but it’s better than not at all.

The best part is I felt fine after the meal and the coffee.

I may still be skinny, but that’s progress. 

I know many people worry about my weight, and I don’t blame them. I’m pretty bony. Seeing me in a bathing suit can be unnerving.

But my physical appearance hides the healing and progress that’s going on internally. My digestive tract is slowly healing. I am making progress. It’s agonizingly slow. But it’s progress. I couldn’t eat. Now I can. I couldn’t drink water. Now I can.

But if my progress is going to be measured solely by how much I weigh, it’s not going to look like I’m getting anywhere. And focusing on it only negates the blood, sweat and tears I’ve put in every day since I got sick. 

My Mayo Clinic doctors would not have predicted I would ever eat a meal like I did last night. But I did it. And I will do it again. And again. And again. I am defying the odds they gave me six years ago and will continue to do so until I am better than anybody ever imagined I could be.

No matter how  much I weigh.