Feeling Nothing.

Normally, feeling nothing is considered a bad thing. Not being able to feel your legs is bad. Not being able to access your feelings is bad. Not feeling valued is bad.

In my case, feeling nothing feels so good I want to shout it from the roof tops.

Let me explain.

Whenever I eat, it’s almost always unpleasant afterwards. I can experience any or all of the following: nausea, stomach ache, feeling like I’ve swallowed a bowling ball, being so full, heavy and uncomfortable I can hardly move. And this is after eating a normal portion of healthy foods accompanied by a pre-meal meditation for the food to go down, slow eating, thorough chewing and a handful of digestive enzymes. In other words, I do everything I can to help the food go down. And I still get feedback.

Then something wondrous happened a few weeks ago. I ate a typical meal and felt…… nothing. No pain, no heaviness, no nausea. No anything.

I was euphoric. I had a rush of joy I can hardly explain. It was a little bit of a high. I ate food and did not feel sick. The memory of it nearly brings tears to my eyes.

That night while reading in bed I made my husband crazy because I could not stop talking about how good I felt. I really did go on, and on, and on. He was a saint to listen to me endlessly. He shared my joy, and was so thrilled for me.

I didn’t want to turn out the light because I wanted to stay up and savor the feeling. I never wanted it to end. I knew I felt good in that moment, and I had no idea if I would ever feel that way again, so I just could not go to sleep.

But of course, I did eventually go to sleep.

Since that day, I have had several more instances of feeling nothing after eating. And I celebrate each and every one. I treasure these moments. I savor them. I give deep gratitude for them.

These moments teach me my body has the capability to properly digest. Maybe not every time. But sometimes. This is the knowledge that keeps me in the game. This is the knowledge that tells me I’m getting somewhere. This is the knowledge that tells me the hard work is worth it.

This is the knowledge that will keep me from giving up.

Because some days I want to. Some days I just want to scream and yell and throw all the pills, potions and powders down the toilet. Some days I want to take this monkey off my back and kick it and beat it and hurt it and ask it to never, every hurt me again. Some days are just too much to bear. Some days I wonder how I can go another minute putting up with what I put up with.

Hard as those days are, I now have the knowledge of feeling nothing. I know it’s possible. I know if I keep on trying I will have more days of nothing.

I just need to hold on. Keep my head down. Keep doing what I’m doing. Keep having faith in my care team. And in myself. Giving up seems like a really good idea sometimes. But I won’t. Not today. Not ever.

A healthier me will emerge. I don’t know when. I don’t know how. I just know it will happen. 

Until then, I am going to celebrate each and every feeling of nothing.

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