I Had A Really, Really, Bad Weekend.

I am toxic. Not in a Brittany Spears circa 2012 kind of way, but in a too-many-toxic-substances-in-my-body kind of way.

My body is host to a number of unwanted guests including: black mold, mercury, lead, Lyme Disease, bacteria and yeast.

These lovely guests make it impossible for my body to work the way it’s supposed to. Specifically, my digestive tract is in ruins, and I suffer from fatigue and mental exhaustion. The daily act of living wears me out.

My doctor tells me eliminating toxins is the only way I’m going to regain my health. Toxins may be eliminated in a number of ways, including: diet, infrared sauna, green clay baths, lymphatic drainage massage, craniosacral massage, micro current therapy, and many others. There are also many supplements that lead toxins to the exit.

This all sounds pretty simple, unless you’re highly toxic. Which I am. The problem is toxins do not leave the body quietly. In my case, they leave in a spectacularly unpleasant fashion.

Let me take you through my weekend. On Thursday I took 6 activated charcoal tablets 3 hours prior to my lymphatic drainage massage, as directed by my doctor. The charcoal is supposed to soak up the toxins released by the massage and help escort them out, thus lessening the burden on my body.

I felt pretty well after my massage, so we thought the charcoal strategy worked. Until it didn’t. That’s when the toxic storm hit. When I am in the midst of a toxic storm I experience the following:

  • A sense of heaviness all over my body that makes it hard to get up.
  • My digestion grounds to a halt. I can literally feel my body laboring to digest, and I basically can’t move after eating a small portion of a healthy meal.
  • I have extreme anxiety that is impervious to any attempt to manage it.
  • I am deeply fatigued.
  • I become overwhelmed by even the most simple of tasks.
  • I begin to feel hopeless.

I was in the above state for for four days – Thursday through Sunday. It was not pleasant for me or my family. I do my best to keep plugged in to life, but it’s very, very difficult when I feel so horrid. I am not a lot of fun to be around.

Then I woke up Monday morning, and the storm had passed. Blessed, blessed day. I felt very fragile and vulnerable, but I also felt balanced, and sane. There was room once again for optimism.

My doctor tells me this cycle is a very typical part of detoxing. And with great compassion, she tells me I will probably be experiencing these episodes for the next year.

That’s a long time. But I’ve been sick for nearly six years, so what’s another year at this point? Plus, I feel like I am heading somewhere. To daylight. And I will do nearly anything to get there.

When I first got sick, I was as happy as I had ever been in my life. I was fit and healthy. I was madly in love with my husband, and I loved being a mom. I was vibrant and very much alive.

I am still madly in love, and being a mom is my great joy. But the part of me that was fit and vibrant is a stranger to me now. I can’t feel her or relate to her in any way. But one day I will find my way back to her. And the idea of recapturing even a fragment of my former vibrancy is what will keep me marching through each toxic storm. One at a time. I can do this.

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