Lights Out.

Well, that was a bust.

This year, the change of season and the attendant loss of light have hit me extremely hard. I miss the morning light like you cannot believe. I have gotten in the habit of taking a long walk at dawn. Actually, it’s more than a habit. It’s a ritual. There is something about being in the earth at first light that is incredibly healing to me. The silence and stillness speak to me, soothe me, and restore me. I need that walk like a drug.

With the onset of fall, dawn comes later of course, and due to my schedule at home, I’m not able to get out for my walk exactly when I want to. Plus, with dawn coming later, the world is more awake at first light, so it’s just not the same.

I still go for walks, but later in the day, and honestly, they do not have the same effect. For me, a walk at dawn is medicinal. A walk after dawn is just a walk. 

So really, I’m missing two things. My experience of the earth in relative silence, and the accompanying early morning light. 

My days now start in darkness, and that’s how I’ve started to feel – dark, heavy, tired, depressed. I just know it’s from the loss of light.

I thought I had a big idea for how to remedy my situation: light therapy. After quite a bit of research, I ordered the Aurora LightPad Mini and was pretty sure it was the key to my salvation. I literally could not wait for it to arrive. 

And that was the last positive thing I felt about light therapy. The first time I tried it, it made me agitated and nauseated. You’ve got to me kidding me, right? This happened to be the day before we headed out of town, so I left the light behind, and decided to try it when we returned.

For my second light therapy attempt, I decided to do only 5 minutes. I put the light over two feet away from me, and did not look directly at it. I did not get agitated, but I did get extremely nauseated. For the entire day. The nausea was so bad all I could do was sit in my lounge chair. Moving made it worse. Trying to do anything on my computer made it worse. 

When I felt better I Googled “SAD light and nausea” and it turns out nausea can be a side effect of light therapy. However, the literature says it’s typically mild and tends to pass quickly and diminish as you adjust to treatment. The literature also said to cut down to 5 minutes if you get nauseated. I started with 5 minutes! The nausea was extreme, not mild, it did not pass quickly, and it was worse with the second treatment than with the first. How am I doing?

Needless to say, the Aurora LightPad Mini is packed up and on the way back to Amazon. 

I am disappointed but not surprised I had such an unusual reaction. This is just one of many I have experienced during my long tangle with chronic lyme disease. My body is incredibly sensitive, and atypical reactions are pretty typical for me. I accept that, and do my best to take it in stride.

Since the light was a bust, I am not sure what I will do to help myself live with the darkness. I’ll figure something out, thought.  I always do.