Scenes From A Party.

Well, I did it.

My husband and I hosted a party for 50 to celebrate his first novel being published, and not only did I survive, I thrived. Per my previous post, this rates as a minor miracle, as my physical and mental health struggles have drastically diminished my ability and desire to socialize. 

The sole intention of the party was to celebrate my husband, and I’m grateful he felt loved, accomplished, and appreciated. Mission accomplished. But the party unintentionally ended up being a coming out (or re-emerging) of sorts for me.

In the past, my one and only goal would have been to get through the night. The idea of drawing pleasure from the event would not have entered the equation.

But last night I had a blast. Really and truly. And it showed. Many, many friends complimented me on how much better I seemed. They were so happy for me, which touched me deeply and made me feel even better, which made them feel even better. It was a lovely circle. One friend who knows me well told my husband I seemed more animated.

Animated.

As my husband and I reflected on that comment, we it both felt it was the perfect way to describe this moment in time for me. Neither of us would have thought to use that exact word, but it was the exact right one.

I can see how I would have come across as kind of flat in social situations in the past. I wasn’t depressed. Rather, I felt awful most of the time, so I was living my life in survival mode, which required a constant internal dialogue – hang in there, stay strong, don’t give up, you can do this. When all that is going on in your head, you are not exactly giving off much positive energy. Or looking very animated.

Last night was proof that a long dormant part of me is coming back to life. Ever so slowly, I am shifting out of survival mode and into a new mode that feels a little like the old me. Pre-sick. Pre-everything.

For the very first time, I actually believe I am turning a corner. There have been numerous times in the past when I thought I was in a corner, but it turned out to be a u-turn. This corner feels different. It feels like the start of something new.

I have my fingers crossed I’m right.

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